Dear Scott,

Desiring the Best
Phoenix, AR

Dear Desiring,

Bear with me as I “go around my elbow to get to my thumb” answering your question. I’ll do so this way because I believe that the answer applies to so much more than just dating and marriage in our Christian life. Allow me not only to speak to you, but any other singles from various backgrounds who may identify with your question.

Memorize this statement: God is sovereign. That’s a fancy word that means He’s in control. He’s on the throne. He’s got His hand on the joystick. Whatever happens, He either causes or allows. I’m not trying to be fatalistic, neither am I nullifying man’s free will, I’m just pointing out what the Bible repeatedly declares. When all seems chaotic, overwhelming, or just plain hopeless, God is still in control. And my point in this is that God control even extends to your own mate situation.

Has it ever occurred to us that God is so big that nothing is bigger than Him? If anarchy erupted in America and the Constitutional freedoms we all enjoy were banished in a day by the regime of a loud-mouthed foreign dictator who wore camouflage and smoked cheap cigars while touting the philosophies of Karl Marx, God would still be in control. If an asteroid were hurling toward the earth the size of Texas and threatened the orange crop in Florida, the stock market, and otherwise life as we know it, God wouldn’t be sweating a drop. And if you finally found yourself about to go out on a date with the man or woman of your dreams and while brushing your teeth discovered the biggest shiner of a zit on the end of your otherwise perfect nose, God’s got it covered (no pun intended). He’s sovereign.

The sovereignty of God simply means that everything that happens is either determined by God or allowed by Him. I know that this may raise as many questions as it answers, but the sovereignty of God is clearly taught from Genesis to Revelation. And of all the doctrines you and I need to learn in our Christian life, this is one of the biggies we need to get because it will be an understanding of the sovereignty of God that impacts our response to our circumstances, especially those of our love life.

Perhaps you’ve been in reaction mode for quite some time when it comes to dating. Perhaps you’ve been going out with whomever asks you out knowing in your heart your just settling for less. “It beats being lonely,” you’ve said to yourself, “something’s better than nothing.” Or maybe you’ve dated no one at all in a very long time (or maybe ever!), and you’re depressed about it. You feel that if you have attend one more friend’s wedding, having to smile, mask the jealousy, and eat someone else’s wedding cake (not to mention buy another stupid bridesmaid dress you’ll never wear again and can’t sell), you’ll just explode. Or maybe you’re a broken heart, reading this because another one that seemed so right just walked out of your life taking your best shot of marriage out the door with him. Maybe you even had a ring. The older you become, and the slimmer the pickings get, the more hopeless it seems that you’ll ever meet the one for you. I’m glad you’re reading this. Now get this: God is not caught off guard by your situation. He’s not the least bit shaken. He’s got it all under control. Sovereignty. He’s got it, baby.

Now, the Enemy, Satan, wants you to believe that God will abuse His control or use it against you. But that’s not possible because it goes against God’s very nature. If He abused His power or used it to harm His children He would be contradicting His Word, which would make Him a liar, which would cause Him to cease to be God. And I really don’t see God giving up His very identity just to make a point. He’s God, period. And He’s everything the Bible describes Him to be.

Our God who is sovereign is also good (Nahum 1:7). He’s wise (1 Timothy 1:17). He cares. 1 Peter 5:7 says to “Cast all your care upon Him for He cares for you.” That means He cares specifically for you. Jesus said, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very has of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows” (Matthew 10:29-30). These verses speak libraries. Jesus is teaching us that His care for us is not general like the way we care about all the lost dogs that will be picked up by dog catchers and taken to the pound without anyone to plead their case. His care is specific. So specific, in fact, that He has numbered the hairs on our head. Just remember that tomorrow morning in the shower as number 17, number 897 and number 12,345 go down the drain. Everything about you completely matters to the Father.

And, because of that fact, He has developed a wonderful, specific plan for your life and marriage. “‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to five you a hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11) David said in the Psalms, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16). God has sovereignly constructed an incredible plan for you that is as big as the imagination of God Himself!

Not only is God as good and wise and caring as He is sovereign, He’s unchanging as well. (James 1:17) He’s not fickle like some of the people you’ve gone out with. He’s the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). Which means He is still today all those things the Bible says that He is. He hasn’t changed a lick. So, don’t fear God’s control. Rest in it!

If you will rest in these truths about the sovereignty of a loving God, it will make a profound difference in the way you operate in your dating life. For instance, let’s examine the zit scenario from earlier. How many times has something like that happened to you and thought, “Oh, great! That’s it! It’s over before it’s begun! If this guy was supposed to be ‘the one,’ he’s gonna take one look at my nose and think he’s on a double date! He’ll never want to see me again!” Now really. Can you imagine God sitting on His throne noticing your complexion problem and thinking, “Well, I wanted to get these two people together, but I never considered the threat of acne. That’s too bad. On to ‘Plan B’!”? No way. Sovereignty means God doesn’t have a “plan B.” Has it ever occurred to you that nothing ever occurs to God? His “plan A’s” always work out. When God has a plan for you, and you desire His best for you, no zit could ever come between you. (Although technically. . . oh, never mind.) So when things seem out of control, whether it’s a zit or he’s just flat not interested in you anymore, you don’t have to be anxious!

The lack of trust in a sovereign God is the fundamental reason we fret so when we’re the victim of a breakup. A lack of understanding in the Lord’s involvement is the reason many date just any ‘ol body in britches and a ball cap. A lack of trust in God’s sovereign plan is why so many try to manipulate people into relationships with themselves. A lack of understanding of God’s perfect plan is the reason many panic when they hit thirty and they’re still not married. A lack of rest in God’s plan is the reason zits and bad hair days nearly cause heart attacks at fifteen minutes until six on date nights. Chill out, my friend! Rest, knowing that God has someone out there for you and when God’s time arrives, the twain shall meet! God is sovereignly working to get you two together in His time and in His way.

The doctrine of God’s sovereign control is exactly why I don’t fall into reasoning that there are many fish in the sea, so to speak, and you can pick the mackerel that you think is best. I find that nowhere in Scripture. God took only one of Adam’s ribs and made only one woman, not a harem of them. Israel strayed from God’s original plan into polygamy for a time, but it was never endorsed by God. This prevailing idea today that one of many may be suitable and you just go out there, date around, and pick any ‘ol one you like is an unbiblical farce that minimizes the sovereign involvement of the Lord. I believe that God sovereignly chooses someone to be a your mate and He makes a way for it to come together. The rib will find her man, and vice versa. Even if she’s in Seattle and you’re living in Atlanta, God can, and will, cause your paths to cross, even if he has to ship her to you priority mail.

What a load off! Aren’t you glad it’s not the other way! I mean, really, how well do you trust your own choice? Sure, you trust it more than someone else’s choice for you, but how many times have even you loused it up? How many times have you looked over a menu at a restaurant and thought you picked the best dish on the page, only to find out when the food arrived that your buddy’s fried chicken livers looked better than that piece of burnt meat this place called “steak”? What about the time you bought the Motor Trend “car of the year” only to find out it was the lemon of the year? Quite honestly, my choices are usually less than perfect. I’ll take God’s choice any day. He can’t help but make the perfect choice.

Now, you may be saying, “Yeah, I believe God is big enough to have a specific plan for me. And I believe He thinks it’s a good one, no doubt. But does He care about what I want in a mate? He’ll probably has this sovereign plan for me to marry someone that has a “great personality.” And that’s all they have.

Well, let’s look at His Word to see what He has to say. The Bible says to “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4-5) Sounds to me like those desires He wants to give me are the ones in my heart. Now that doesn’t mean that we can just pop off any old request and expect to get it. God cares about your specific desires but He’s not a bellhop. If He was, then He would have to be a sovereign bellhop which is an oxymoron, a contradiction of terms, like “jumbo shrimp” or an “exact estimate.” God cares about the desires of your heart but also knows what is best for you and wants only that. That is why it’s important that you delight yourself in Him and do as the next verse says, “Commit your way to the Lord and He will do it.” The receiving of your heart’s desires comes only after surrender to His perfect plan for you in all things. And surrender to His plan is no problem when He Himself is your delight. The bottom line is this: your desires for certain qualities in a mate do matter very much to God.

Jesus said “Ask and you shall receive” (Matt. 7:7). He didn’t say, “…except when it comes to choosing a mate.” In James, the Lord said that “you do not have because you do not ask God” (Jas. 4:2). I believe a lot of us share more with our friends about our what kind of person we’re looking for more than we share it with God, because we actually believe that they care more than he does, or maybe that they can do something about it better than He can. The Scripture is clear, God cares about what we’re asking but He also cares whether we’re asking and who we’re asking. He delights when his children ask of him!

“But what if God doesn’t want me to be married? Surely God doesn’t think everybody should be married.” I believe you’re right. God probably doesn’t want everyone to be married. The Apostle Paul said, I wish that every man could be even as I am, and then went on to explain why it may be better to remain single. But quite honestly, if you’re worried that that verse may describe God’s ideal plan for you in particular. I say, if you’re worried that it might be for you, then it probably isn’t. I believe there is a gift of celibacy, but I don’t have it. And I’m glad I don’t have that gift. There are a lot of gifts I’d much rather have than that gift. I’m married. I was meant to be married. I belong in my marriage. And I praise God for it! And that is likely to be the case for you. I believe that it is likely that those who have been given the gift of celibacy would never care to read my answer to your question anyway. The question itself would have barely even caught their attention. But you do care about marriage. That’s why you’re frantically pouring over these words in search of hope for you love life. You don’t have the gift of celibacy and aren’t called to that. (Praise God. Amen.) As a matter of fact, after He made each segment of creation, he said “it’s good” until he made man. Then he said, “it’s not good” that man be alone.” Then he made a mate for the man and said “it’s very good”! So realize that when you say, “I want to be married,” you are agreeing with God for a good thing. That’s asking according to the will of God. How do we know it’s the will of God? It’s a desire of your heart and it’s founded in the Word of God.

The Enemy always has a way of trying to distort the Word of God (just check out some of the lines he used in the Garden!). The way he tries to blow this great truth about God’s sovereignty that we’re discussing is to get you to believe that God only wants for you what you need and what you need will not be what you want. So you can either trust God’s plan for getting a mate and have God’s what-you-need, or, you can work your own plan for getting your mate and have the what-you-want while God says “Tut, tut! That’s not what I think you need!” So begins your wrestling match with God. That’s wrong. The fact is, God knows what you need and what you want and will give you exactly that in one package. That is His plan. “He satisfies your desires with good things” (Psalm 103:5). That “good things” is not to be viewed like “Eat your veggies. They’re good for you,” nor like, “good” but you it won’t suit your tastes. It’s “good” like all around “great,” like water on a hot day, rest in weariness, and good friends in lonely times. What you want and what you need.

Since God knows what you need, and often what you desire, even better than you know yourself, He will not always give you what, or who, you think will satisfy your desire. He may leave your request unanswered in order to give you someone who will satisfy your desire even more. I heard one Christian lady remark that she after she would make her requests to God, she would pray, “Lord, if what I prayed for is not your best for me, then cancel my request.” That’s pretty good theology. Jesus said to ask and you shall receive, but also that we must ask according to the will of God. But He also said, “if you then being evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more does your Heavenly Father desire to give good gifts to those who ask Him.” Now that I’m married and look back on all the great girls I dated and prayed to marry, but didn’t, I’m singing that tune with Garth, “I thank my God for unanswered prayers!”

This principle doesn’t only matter right now while you’re waiting on the mate God has for you. It will really matter after you meet and marry the one God has for you. Because, as is the case in most marriages, hard times will come. The commitment will be challenged. The bliss will be eclipsed for a time, time and time again. And in those times when things occur between you that you just don’t understand, you will be able to trust that our Sovereign God must have known what he was doing when He put you two together, that you didn’t just make some short-sighted, subjective choice, and that his purposes will prevail in your relationship. That truth will give you the assurance you need to get through the hard times. You’ll be assured “that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil. 1:6).

Suppose I stepped into an Englishman’s wine cellar and he offered me any bottle of his wine free of charge, one that I deemed best. Any bottle I wanted. (No, I am not encouraging the use of alcoholic beverages by this example. I just can’t think of anything that fits better at this point.) Now I could avail myself of this fine privilege and run here and there throughout the racks of wine bottles, dusting off the vintages, checking dates, colors and labels. But how could I get the most out of the privilege? I would be best served by turning to my distinguished host and admitting my shallow knowledge of wines in general and his cellar in particular. Then I should tout his reputation as a wine connoisseur and furthermore his extensive knowledge of the contents of this particular cellar, since it has been built by him, stocked by him and arranged by him. After doing so, I should ask that he do me the honor of choosing the wine for me, “for then,” I would say, “I would be confident I held the best you have to offer.” That would be my wisest move.

If God is sovereign and God does care, then we must resist the notion that we are best served by taking our best shot at finding a mate. We must turn to Him surrendering to His best choice, keeping in mind He also knows our tastes. Trust me. I’ve married my rib.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 26th, 2005 at 5:02 am and is filed under Scott Topics posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.